One day at a time (not the tv show)

Each time I have thought about blogging this month I have been comfortably sitting on my couch watching some dumb but yet guiltily entertaining reality tv show.
I used to entirely poo poo reality tv. I think for the most part it is tacky and voyeristic. However thank you writer's strike for making me have no other choice (I mean a girl has to watch a little tv now and again, right?)
The year, despite (or inspite of?) my many, many new year resolutions, has started out challenging.
I got the flu, a week later my sister had emergency surgury and I rushed down to N.C. to be with her. To top that lovely ice cream sundae off with a cherry, I have had couple really intense 'conversations' with my boyfriend that just seem to set us back to the day we had our first fight, confused and frustrated.
However I began this year with this strong desire to live with my eyes open. To feel even if it means to feel pain, to live even if that means being tierd.
I woke a week or so before Christmas coming out of a fog that I have been in for entirely too long...All of sudden I had 'resolutions'. I hadn't had a resolute thought for years...something I really wanted to strive for. A goal, a passion, a burning...where had these things been for so long and how had I lived so contently with their abscence?

I have always had the peace inside that said that life is a learning experience, but yet my Dr. Jekeyl side still screams for perfection. I long to just be cool and effortless and to look like I know what I am doing with life and relationships and love. But I am not.
Not cool, never have been. :) But you know for the first time in my life I am ok with that.
I trip when I walk. I most often say the wrong thing when it means the most. I have even been known to wear two different shoes at the same time (by accident, I swear).
But I love passionately. I give generously. I dance like noone is watching. And I am writing in this blog...It's a start.